blessings

today i sat in the stairwell
of my little church
tears rolled down my cheeks
and splashed into your
mussed up blonde hair
you kicked
and screamed
and fought
one arm broke free
and nails that i try
to keep trimmed
clawed my face

i whispered my mantra
over
and
over again

children are a blessing
from the Lord
just as they are

Children are a Blessing
from the LORD
JUST AS THEY ARE

the other hand broke
free this time
it grabbed a handful of my hair
and you thrashed against me

time slowed down
i knew what was coming

your beautiful head bent forward
and then slammed back
into my nose
in that moment
the cinder block wall that
i braced myself against
met my head

tiny pricks of light
danced in front of my eyes
then i said the words
that i cannot take back

why can't you be normal

the words became stone
sunk into my belly and grew hot
i crumpled to the
floor beside your thrashing body

mother of the freaking year