Friday, September 26, 2014

10 things i think about while doing a workout video

1. Do you think duct tape would keep the girls under control? 
There are not enough bras in the world that can keep my chest under control when I'm jumping. For reals. I need some more support.

2. That was the warm-up? 
My heart rate is already sky high! Is it time for a break?

3. Modifier? I don't need no stinkin' modifier! 
I've been doing this for like, one year. I got this. Don't baby me!

Ok. So maybe I still need the modifier.

5. Burpees? Gah!
Didn't we just do these yesterday? I believe that burpees were created by the devil. They are pure evil.

6. I've only been doing this for 10 minutes?
Are you serious right now? I've only been doing this for 10 minutes? How much longer?

7. I'm pretty sure that you can, in fact, drown in sweat. 
I'm thinking my husband needs to be a certified lifeguard. I mean, there is ALWAYS copious amounts of sweat when I'm done.

8. Are you even human? 
Those perfectly muscled people on the video have to be robots. They are an invention of the production company to make me insane.

9. My kids eat entirely too many crackers. 
Holding a plank gives you plenty of time to analyze your carpet. Maybe I should vacuum more often.

Sweet, heavenly corpse pose. My favorite part of the entire workout. Just lay there and don't move. I can do that!

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

a list of happy

Today I really just need a list of things that make me happy. I need reminders sometimes. So in the interest of raising my mood, here we go. A list of things that make me crack a smile.

1. cable knit tights
2. impossible blue skys
3. leaves that turn yellow
4. a cup of coffee in the perfect coffee mug
5. the color green
6. putting burt's bees chapstick on chapped lips
7. the sore ache of my calves after climbing a big, stupid hill
8. boots
9. my glass starbucks tumbler.
10. finding just the right word for just the right time.
11. a good denim skirt
12. a random text from a friend during the day
13. hearing the rain on a tin roof
14. clapping when it thunders
15. daisies
16. seeing silas crack a sideways grin
17. catching elijah with 'the look' of pure mischief on his face
19. quiet
20. going for a LONG run or walk, coming home, taking a shower, and then putting on pajamas that have been warming up in the dryer

Saturday, September 20, 2014

live free. see beauty.

Awhile back, someone asked me what my 'why' was for this whole lifestyle change. Why did I all of a sudden decide that I needed to get healthy when I had basically spent the pat 30 years not being healthy? There is no simple answer. There are no cut and dry, black and white words that I can type that will even come close to explaining it.

There are words that I could say. Things like: I want to keep up with my boys and I want to be around to see my grandchildren and I want to be able to fit in all the roller coasters at theme parks. All these words are true. There are also words that I could say like: I want to be able to shop at whatever store I choose and know they have my size or I want to see what the world looks like from the tops of mountains or I want to have real life adventures with those that I love. Every single breath of the those words is true and I mean them with every fiber of my being.

But saying all those words is complicated. There is a deeper meaning behind every single one of them. A root behind every thought. Over the course of the past year, I have realized things about myself that I had never known before. I have a resolve in me that is great and mighty and steadfast. I'm not trying to toot a horn here or brag or make myself important. It's just something that I have realized.

Recently, my friend Tracy introduced me to the term sankalpa. Basically (and this is very basic and I hope I'm explaining this correctly) a sankalpa is a phrase that expresses your inner desire and basic truth. It's resolve. It's you. Right where you are without changing who you are, but helping you realize the deep places in your life. Okay, so I'm not a yogi and I don't practice yoga on a regular basis, but unbeknownst to me, I have a sankalpa. I have boiled down my 'why' and I'm trying daily to make it truth.

Live free. See beauty.

My past lifestyle kept me in bondage. That bondage was fear and pessimism. I was afraid to do things because my weight got in the way. I always saw the worst in things because I felt horrible about the way I looked and felt. So what is the opposite of fear and pessimism? For me, it wasn't courage and optimism. It was freedom and beauty. More than anything I wanted the freedom to live my life with adventure and risk and taken chances. I wanted to see beauty in everything. See the beauty in my children, my husband, my family. But also see the beauty in my dark days and the valleys and the clawing and scratching to survive.

Live free. See beauty.

I have uttered that phrase more than anything in the the past year and a half. When I wanted to give up. When the workout was just too hard. When counting one more calorie was too much for me. When the biggest had a tantrum. When the littlest broke another set of blinds. When I finally ran up the big, stupid hill. When I was able to walk and keep the hula hoop going. When I could do an actual push up. When I hiked with my dad and my son without being completely breathless.

Live free. See beauty.

So call it my 'why' or my sankalpa or my mantra or whatever. It's my phrase. What I say when things are amazing and when things are so hard that I don't think I can take one more step. It's what I think when the biggest and the littlest are doing everything in their beautiful power to drive me up the wall. I squeak it out between sobs when darkness starts to set up in my mind and heart. It's my verbal cue to start praying in the good times and the bad. I've shouted it from mountain tops. I've whispered it, breathless, when I've beaten my best mile's time. I've proclaimed it in my life.

It's me. And it's what I want.

Thursday, September 18, 2014


that is mine
that road that you
fenced in and let 
grass grow
you have a piece 
of paper that says it 
but it is mine

you may not know
that i walked and
rode my bike
and buried treasure on
my way from home to granny's
you may not know that i
whispered to trees and
ran my hands along their bark
leaving little girl secrets 
to grow in their rings

i don't blame you
grown-ups don't understand
little girl dreams
and whispered secrets to trees

they understand property lines
and deeds
and fences
and keep out signs

such is the reason
i have not hopped
the fence

this is not a do-over.

I started this little corner of the world with the intention of it being a weight loss blog. It is still that. But I also need something else right now. I need to get thoughts out of my head that don't always have to do with weight loss. I need to talk about being a working mother and having boys and write about foods I like to cook that have nothing to do with how many calories are in each serving. I need to write and share poetry. I need to be honest about being a parent of a special needs child. I need a place where I can post the funny stories and videos and anything else that pops into this brain of mine.

Many times over the course of the past couple months I have wanted to post something that was on my mind, but because it had nothing to do with weight loss, I didn't share. Lame. Then I was all like "this is my blog. I do what I want. Because I can!"

I need space to sprawl out and just let it all loosey goosey.

So that's that. Here's to something a little different.

Sunday, September 14, 2014


today i sat in the stairwell
of my little church
tears rolled down my cheeks
and splashed into your
mussed up blonde hair
you kicked
and screamed
and fought
one arm broke free
and nails that i try
to keep trimmed
clawed my face

i whispered my mantra
over again

children are a blessing
from the Lord
just as they are

Children are a Blessing
from the LORD

the other hand broke
free this time
it grabbed a handful of my hair
and you thrashed against me

time slowed down
i knew what was coming

your beautiful head bent forward
and then slammed back
into my nose
in that moment
the cinder block wall that
i braced myself against
met my head

tiny pricks of light
danced in front of my eyes
then i said the words
that i cannot take back

why can't you be normal

the words became stone
sunk into my belly and grew hot
i crumpled to the
floor beside your thrashing body

mother of the freaking year

Friday, August 29, 2014

growing memories

today we held hands,
and breaths,
as we tip toed into clear,
frigid mountain water
I watched as you carefully
let go of my hand
and then charged knee deep
perpendicular to the current
I watched as you lost your footing
on the loose, silty creek bed
I reached out my hands to you,
but you did not reach for me
independent, and drenched,
you found your own way to the bank
of that frigid mountain stream
I made  note of your autonomy
and closed my fingers around
a gentle breeze

later, dry and eating sandwiches
I lay back on the scratchy grass
and closed my eyes
I felt you beside me
and knew it was the littlest
even though you made no sound
you put your shoulder to my shoulder
and your head to my head
I opened my eyes and turned
your two and a half,
almost three, eyes smiled into my
thirty-one, almost thirty-two, eyes
a toothy grin broke across your face
and your nose brushed mine
I made note of your dependence
and closed my arms around
all of you