an open letter to non-virgins

Dear Non-Virgins of the World,

I think it is time that a different conversation was had. Actually, that conversation is already happening, but I feel like not many of the right people are listening. So with all that said, I’m diving in and starting a conversation with my circle. So that maybe, just maybe, something I say might stick in the craw of someone and, in turn, they start that conversation in their circles. I’m trying to change the world here people.

Sex. There I said it. That’s what I want to talk about. No, I don’t want to talk about the nuts and bolts. I don’t want to tell you the ins and outs of a healthy, or unhealthy for that matter, sex life. I don’t even really want to talk about what it is. I want to talk about how the church, in all its glorious goodness and mistakes, does not prepare people for the fall out of becoming a non-virgin, but still sitting in the pews and listening to sermons preached on the avoidance of sexual sin and remaining pure.

Pastors/preachers/youth leaders/and your every day abstinence-only educators love to stand up and talk about remaining pure and holy for your future spouse. They tell you that your virginity is a precious gift to be offered up on your wedding night as you get naked for the first time with the person you have chosen to go through life with. They tell you to remain unblemished and unspoiled so that you can present yourself, on your wedding night, as living sacrifice to not only your husband/wife but to your God.

And they are right. That should happen. It can happen. It is the ideal situation and it is one that I pray will happen with my boys and their future  spouses.

The reality of the situation, though, is much different. The chances of my boys marrying a virgin is slim. I’m not saying it won’t happen, but if I’m honest with myself, the chances are slim. The chances of my future daughters-in-law being a virgin AND my sons being virgins the first time they slip into the sheets together is even slimmer. That is a depressing thought, and in all honesty, not one I really want to think about. And that’s not even really what I want to say right now.

We need to think about how we talk about the time leading up to the wedding night. The only thing I ever heard growing up was “don’t have sex before marriage.” Period. That’s it. Just don’t do it and everything will be okay. But what happens when you do have sex before marriage? What happens when you have a lapse in judgment, or make a decision before you are a believer to have sex, or have your choice ripped away from you at the hands of a rapist? What then? You’re damaged. You’re spoiled. You’re blemished. You no longer have this precious gift to give your husband/wife on your wedding day.

You sit in the pew and hear your pastor tell you that being unblemished is the only way you should present yourself. (Well, too late for that.) He tells you that no good Christian boy wants an unwrapped present. (He may not say those exact words, but that’s what it sounds like.) He’s preaching to the ones who have done it right so far and is encouraging them to keep doing that. All the while you sit there and squirm and blush and feel every guilt come flooding back. You think “If I’m already broken, what’s the point now? If no one wants me, why should I try to fix myself? If good Christian boys only want good Christian girls who are unblemished, I might as well go ahead and resign myself to old maid status for the rest of my life, or I might as well go back to having sex on the regular.”

Here’s where we get it wrong. No one goes into marriage airing out their past sins. Well, with the exceptions of some major law breaking stuff or something like that. I sure didn’t tell my husband every time I had lied or broke the speed limit or thought about physically harming someone or every curse word I had ever said. It was assumed that I was a sinner saved by Grace and we left it at that. So why did I feel it was so important that he knew the ‘condition’ of my lady bits?

I am not down playing the importance of abstaining from sex before marriage. Please do not think that of me. I fully believe that sex was intended to be had between a husband and a wife only after they are married. But if the sin of pre-marital sex happens, you can still be forgiven.

Did you read that last part? Sexual sins can be forgiven. They will be forgiven if you ask for forgiveness. Simple as that. Just like any other sin. No, God’s not going to make you a virgin again. Ladies, He’s not going to knit that hymen back together. But He will forgive. He will make new. He will see you as worthy even though you are not. If we base our entire lives, and if we can get married, on how worthy we are, well…every single one of us should be single. My virginity, or lack thereof, doesn’t really matter to God once I have confessed my sins and asked for forgiveness. My sexual sins are forgotten just like my sin of lying or running a red light or having harsh thoughts towards my neighbor or coveting my cousin’s new car.

We are all sinners saved by Grace and we can choose purity every day, regardless of how intact your virginity is.

So pastors, if you’re reading this, please (PLEASE) take into account that there will be people in your pews that can’t wait to have sex until marriage because they’ve already had sex. And they are not married. Stop talking about damaged goods and unopened presents and how brides should only wear white if they are virgin. We’re all damaged goods. None of us are worthy of the awesomeness of God. Start talking about choosing purity every day.

If you are a person reading this, and you’re not a virgin please know that you are worthy of having a spectacular spouse. If you have asked for forgiveness, and received it, God has made you worthy. The good ones aren’t just virgins who have saved themselves for marriage. If you have asked for forgiveness, God doesn’t really care about your lack of virgin-ness. He wants you to move forward. To choose purity every day. Actually transform into that new creature that He has created. Not dwell on past sins.

If you are a virgin and you’re reading this, you are doing it right so far and that is awesome! But know that you are no better than the non-virgin sitting beside you. Your sin may be coveting or lying or stealing or whatever. 

My God doesn’t rate sin. Sin is sin. And praise the Lord we can be saved by Grace.