By the time I got to the park I was kind of in the mood to run. The weather was good. I had talked myself out of any reason to not run and into a million reasons to run. I ate a bit more at lunch that I should have. I always feel fantastic after a run. There is a shower with my name written all over it once I get home. By the time I got the earbuds in my ear and the tunes blaring, I was ready to go.
Now let me just say, I know that I'm slow. I know that I probably look like a hot mess as I'm running. I'm cool with that. I does not bother me. I average a 13.5 minute mile on a good day. On a day like today where my muscles are sore and I have a slight injury, I'm doing good if I average a 15 minute mile. I'm a big girl. I'm slow. Like I said, I'm cool with that. I know that speed will come. I'm getting there. One run at a time.
So I was feeling pretty good about myself. I was thinking about the shower I was going to take. I was thinking about the books I would read the boys when I got home. I was thinking about how nice the weather was and how I should go home after my run, grab the boys, and bring them back to the park to let them play with the kids that were on the playground. Then I saw them. A bunch of kids were huddled together and were pointing at me. I saw them laughing. I should have just left my earbuds in my ears. I should have just focused on something else. But I didn't do those things. I took my earbuds out and I heard them mooing at me. Yes, you read that right. A group of tweenage kids were pointing and mooing at me. There were adults nearby that looked at me and laughed. They did nothing to stop them. I tried to block them out. I put my earbuds back in but I just couldn't stop thinking about them and how it made me feel. I felt like crap. Like I should have just stayed at home. Maybe I should just go home. Or stop by freezer fresh and get a hot fudge cake with peanut butter sauce and chopped nuts. They were still there when I was coming around the curve in the track again. I vowed to just leave my earbuds in and just ignore them.
But fate was not on my side. They saw me coming and I saw them stop what they were doing to turn towards me. I closed my eyes for a second and just kept running. Then, as if on cue, my ipod battery died. Just as one of the adult males yelled my direction. "I've seen cows run faster than that. What does that make her? A Whale?!" The kids and other adult erupted into laughter.
I didn't let them see me cry. At least I can say that. I made it the rest the way around the lap and literally sprinted to my van in the parking lot before I let the tears come. I put the van in drive and drove for a bit. I fought with myself about body image and finishing my workout and whether a hot fudge cake with peanut butter sauce and chopped nuts would make me feel better and how kids are mean and adults are meaner (sometimes) and how I shouldn't let what they said and did bother me. Blah. Blah. Blah.
After about thirty minutes I decided on finishing the run on my normal path. Where no one sees me and the only animal sounds I hear are actually from animals. Not going to lie. I ran and cried. I was slower than normal. I didn't even try to calculate my time. I just ran and let the tears flow. I even let a yell or two out.
I am finding that physical activity helps me work out my aggression. This isn't the first time that I have battled with myself as I worked out. It probably won't be the last. I would be lying if I said that I am over what happened this evening. I wish I could just say that I'm letting it all run off my back. But I can't say that. I'm trying to ignore the thoughts and not let them affect my mood with the boys. I'm not being very successful.
One good thing that came out of this:
1. I did not go and get a large hot fudge cake with peanut butter sauce and chopped nuts. So I didn't turn to food when in a funk. I turned to finishing my run. So I am proud of that.
Eventually I won't be fat and slow and cow-ish when I run. One day I'll be healthy and faster. But today I am fat and slow and cow-ish and words hurt. At least I finished. At least I kept going. Tomorrow I will get up and keep working my rear off. Because I can.
Maybe by then I can forget about stupid people. Tomorrow will be better.
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