live free. see beauty.

Awhile back, someone asked me what my 'why' was for this whole lifestyle change. Why did I all of a sudden decide that I needed to get healthy when I had basically spent the pat 30 years not being healthy? There is no simple answer. There are no cut and dry, black and white words that I can type that will even come close to explaining it.

There are words that I could say. Things like: I want to keep up with my boys and I want to be around to see my grandchildren and I want to be able to fit in all the roller coasters at theme parks. All these words are true. There are also words that I could say like: I want to be able to shop at whatever store I choose and know they have my size or I want to see what the world looks like from the tops of mountains or I want to have real life adventures with those that I love. Every single breath of the those words is true and I mean them with every fiber of my being.

But saying all those words is complicated. There is a deeper meaning behind every single one of them. A root behind every thought. Over the course of the past year, I have realized things about myself that I had never known before. I have a resolve in me that is great and mighty and steadfast. I'm not trying to toot a horn here or brag or make myself important. It's just something that I have realized.

Recently, my friend Tracy introduced me to the term sankalpa. Basically (and this is very basic and I hope I'm explaining this correctly) a sankalpa is a phrase that expresses your inner desire and basic truth. It's resolve. It's you. Right where you are without changing who you are, but helping you realize the deep places in your life. Okay, so I'm not a yogi and I don't practice yoga on a regular basis, but unbeknownst to me, I have a sankalpa. I have boiled down my 'why' and I'm trying daily to make it truth.

Live free. See beauty.

My past lifestyle kept me in bondage. That bondage was fear and pessimism. I was afraid to do things because my weight got in the way. I always saw the worst in things because I felt horrible about the way I looked and felt. So what is the opposite of fear and pessimism? For me, it wasn't courage and optimism. It was freedom and beauty. More than anything I wanted the freedom to live my life with adventure and risk and taken chances. I wanted to see beauty in everything. See the beauty in my children, my husband, my family. But also see the beauty in my dark days and the valleys and the clawing and scratching to survive.

Live free. See beauty.

I have uttered that phrase more than anything in the the past year and a half. When I wanted to give up. When the workout was just too hard. When counting one more calorie was too much for me. When the biggest had a tantrum. When the littlest broke another set of blinds. When I finally ran up the big, stupid hill. When I was able to walk and keep the hula hoop going. When I could do an actual push up. When I hiked with my dad and my son without being completely breathless.

Live free. See beauty.

So call it my 'why' or my sankalpa or my mantra or whatever. It's my phrase. What I say when things are amazing and when things are so hard that I don't think I can take one more step. It's what I think when the biggest and the littlest are doing everything in their beautiful power to drive me up the wall. I squeak it out between sobs when darkness starts to set up in my mind and heart. It's my verbal cue to start praying in the good times and the bad. I've shouted it from mountain tops. I've whispered it, breathless, when I've beaten my best mile's time. I've proclaimed it in my life.

It's me. And it's what I want.