overcoming...little by little

I am about to admit something that I don't really want to admit. That's the point of this whole blog though, isn't it. To be transparent. To be honest. To get it out there so that I can own up to this whole thing. Own my choices and my mistakes and move forward. So here goes:

I am a secret binge eater. No purging involved.

There. I said it.

I, obviously, cannot diagnose myself with a disorder. I am not a doctor. BUT I fit the description. It creeps up more in times of stress, but it can literally happen at the drop of the hat. If I have tried to restrict my food to the point of being hungry several days in a row, I can almost always guarantee a binge happening the first change I can get to the store. I will consume large amounts of food in a short amount of time all while hiding it from others. I will go to the store get what is on the list and then as I'm checking out I grab one of those bags of mini donuts and eat over half of it (very quickly) as I take the long way home. Or I'll grab those bags of chips that are always at the checkout line. Or a couple of candy bars. Or a half dozen cupcakes out of the bakery. Or whatever. Then when I get home, I feel completely depressed and disgusted about it. I push myself harder during the next morning's workout and drink my weight in water trying to flush it from my system so I don't see it on the scale at the next weigh in.

I am better than I was. Before this lifestyle flip back in April, I used to get myself something at the store every.single.time. that I shopped by myself. Then I would scarf it on the way home so no one would see. Now I make it out of the store about 70% of the time without getting some garbohydrates to shove into my mouth on the way home. There is still that 30% of the time though.

I tell you all of that so I can now acknowledge a big victory for myself! I am stressed to the max capacity right now. Like holy stress levels batman! I bit Dave's head off because I called him to ask a question and he answered. Just so you know, there are no typos in that sentence. I called, asked him a question, he answered, then I proceeded to lay into him. (Sorry, babe!)

Today I wanted nothing more than to go to the store and buy some chocolate chip cookies and eat the whole package. I did go to the store. I put the cookies in my cart. I got in the check out line. I put the cookies onto the conveyor belt. The cashier rang them up and put them in the bag. I felt the guilt already creeping into my throat. I got in my car and sat there holding the cookies. Then (THEN!) I fished the receipt out of my purse and took them back into the store for a refund. I TOOK THEM BACK INTO THE STORE AND GOT A REFUND!

Let that sink in for a minute.

This is the first time that I had already flipped the 'gonna binge' switch and then talked myself out of it. Normally if I buy it, I eat it. All of it. But not this day!

So yeah. I'm not gonna say I'm cured, but that was a big thing for me today. I'm sure the cashier thought I was crazy, but hey. Whatever. I can bring the cookies back if I want. BECAUSE I CAN!

I know that what I eat in secret, I 'wear' in public. I know, without a doubt, that I waste some of my hard work when I binge. I beat myself up over it constantly. I don't need a reminder of that. So please don't remind me. I know. I'm getting better about it. I will beat it. I'll get there. Be patient with me. (Did you hear me, Sarah. Be patient!)

Today was good. Today I will be proud!